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May 10 2015

It's been 10 years and my blog is still up. I'm still torn between deleting this account or just let it exist for until-when-I-don't-know for the sake of old times. I've changed my job thrice and I'm quite happy with my current one because it's very stable. Lots of challenges and lessons have come my way and I hope I'll be able to keep up with everything.

But I know I can still be happier. I just have to find out how.


blueberry had a little lamb last 5/10/2015 02:55:00 PM

I want to tell him..


..that I think he has the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen. I can't forget that afternoon at the convenience store; he was asking what else I wanted to buy. The sunlight illuminated his eyes and I thought, "Wow, how lovely." They reflected golden and clear. "I can stare into them forever.. I want to stay in them forever." Throughout that day I looked directly into his eyes whenever we talked. I loved every second of being with him. Even more when he assured me when I was hesitating to answer when he asked if I wanted to go to the pier. If he asked for my heart instead, I would have given it with both hands.

..that I saw the most amazing stars when we were there. They were numerous, stronger, and closer, as if we could touch them. But the brightest one was beside me, pointing at the constellations and cracking jokes, making sure that I was having fun. My hand holding his arm and walking side by side..

..and that my only regret that day, until now, is I didn't hug him and kiss him on the cheek. Instead we settled for a small wave and a few seconds of holding hands.

I miss him. I really, really do. I've always told him that he's different from the others. I wish I could've anticipated that the kind of pain I'm going to experience would also be apart from the rest. Maybe I should stop daydreaming too much, but could you blame me for escaping into my dreams when it's the only place where I could normally talk to him again, experience the old him and our memories? Ah, but maybe what this pain is actually trying to tell me is that I should stop for a while and cry so that I can write and smile again. I'm not sure which is which but the more pages I fill, the more I'm seeing what he has taught me so far. Although he's against it, he's my reason for wanting things for myself and for forming my dreams and ambitions clearly. Looks like I've won when I told him that all things become more meaningful when you do them because of someone, for someone, and then for yourself.

I have changed because of someone, for someone, and then for myself.

As long as we're on this journey, there are still more lessons in store for us. For you. For me.

I love you so much.

(journal entry excerpt. 10-24-2012)

blueberry had a little lamb last 10/25/2012 12:08:00 AM

formspring.me

Ask whatever. :)) http://www.formspring.me/berryblue

blueberry had a little lamb last 10/29/2011 06:29:00 PM

Five Rays of Sunshine

I think I met "gay-best-friend-that-I-never-had" this afternoon, as I was making a beeline towards the underpass. Apparently, I wasn't the only one fascinated by the brilliant blue of my umbrella.

"Ate, pasukob naman. Lakas ng ulan eh."

Forever the puzzled, I felt that time delay which allowed me to sort out the situation.

"What?"

I knew I was frowning a little but I also had the urge to laugh because some strangers really do have the courage to ask permission from people whom they have just seen on the street! I was simply too amused that I obliged and even let him hold my umbrella. For the next 3-minute walk, I found out where he's from, his school, how high the flood is in front of SM, and that you can ride an FX to Paranaque! We even looked at the same boys and wore eyeliners. Cool, yeah? :) As we came to my exit, I had mixed thoughts: should I walk him to his exit? Should I ask for his number? How about his name? But just like in the movies, I let go.

"Ingat."

Relationships are defined by how much or how not-so-much people give in to them. Our instant friendship is already perfect in an unconventional way; I don't want to mar it. If we're meant to be true friends, then destiny always has that special way of making people's paths cross. The excitement of waiting, of anticipating, of hoping for that repeat encounter.. Don't you love the feeling? I know I do. Perhaps on a day similar to this one, I'll meet him again. And perhaps on a day similar to this one, I'll get his name and number, too.

P.S.
Gay BFF is just one of today's five rays of sunshine.

blueberry had a little lamb last 8/24/2011 10:49:00 PM

A day like any other

Dear You,

I didn't forget your birthday.
I just want you to feel how it's like to miss someone until it hurts. For 11 hours and 59 minutes, I think I may have succeeded.

I didn't forget your birthday.
Our four years would have been pretty useless if I did. I know we were never a couple, but those years are rightfully ours because of the unknown tears that I've shed, the laughter you brought, and all the in-between emotions that used to come in torrents but now have subsided into gentle waves.

I didn't forget your birthday.
I wonder what ever gave you the idea that I ever could. Just the thought that you think I did gnaws on my soul and is killing me slowly.

Heaven grants wishes only if they are sincere; perhaps I can bank on that. If it's the only way that can bring back happier times then I want to be the one to make that wish instead of you, for you.

Until you can comprehend the gravity of everything. Forever,

V

blueberry had a little lamb last 8/21/2011 09:50:00 PM

i.
+vika
+5/31/88
+SMS,MSHS,UPM
+self-confessed nerd
+senti-mental
+fan-girl
+brat
i love.
+Gotham.
+GoT. TWD.
+purple.
+books.arts.
+coffee.mangoes.
+blueberry cheesecake.
tag it!


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