I want to tell him..
..that I think he has the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen. I can't forget that afternoon at the convenience store; he was asking what else I wanted to buy. The sunlight illuminated his eyes and I thought, "Wow, how lovely." They reflected golden and clear. "I can stare into them forever.. I want to stay in them forever." Throughout that day I looked directly into his eyes whenever we talked. I loved every second of being with him. Even more when he assured me when I was hesitating to answer when he asked if I wanted to go to the pier. If he asked for my heart instead, I would have given it with both hands.
..that I saw the most amazing stars when we were there. They were numerous, stronger, and closer, as if we could touch them. But the brightest one was beside me, pointing at the constellations and cracking jokes, making sure that I was having fun. My hand holding his arm and walking side by side..
..and that my only regret that day, until now, is I didn't hug him and kiss him on the cheek. Instead we settled for a small wave and a few seconds of holding hands.
I miss him. I really, really do. I've always told him that he's different from the others. I wish I could've anticipated that the kind of pain I'm going to experience would also be apart from the rest. Maybe I should stop daydreaming too much, but could you blame me for escaping into my dreams when it's the only place where I could normally talk to him again, experience the old him and our memories? Ah, but maybe what this pain is actually trying to tell me is that I should stop for a while and cry so that I can write and smile again. I'm not sure which is which but the more pages I fill, the more I'm seeing what he has taught me so far. Although he's against it, he's my reason for wanting things for myself and for forming my dreams and ambitions clearly. Looks like I've won when I told him that all things become more meaningful when you do them because of someone, for someone, and then for yourself.
I have changed because of someone, for someone, and then for myself.
As long as we're on this journey, there are still more lessons in store for us. For you. For me.
I love you so much.
(journal entry excerpt. 10-24-2012)
blueberry had a little lamb last 10/25/2012 12:08:00 AM